How to Set Boundaries and Thrive

We praise our children for being unselfish.  We ask them to hug people they don’t want to hug, to share toys, even though we as adults don’t like to share personal possessions or toys, and we often don’t respect their privacy. As a child, were you ever validated for your boundaries? I think it’s very rare.

Boundaries are points at which others can’t go further. It’s an invisible protection and a clear distinction between where we end, and others begin.

Until we know our boundaries, our relationships are not reciprocal experiences of love, care and respect. Instead, they are built on compromise, playing a role and being loved for who we are not.

Healthy boundaries give us a clear sense of who we are, and no-one has to take care of our self-esteem. We know what we stand for and what we won’t stand for. When we have healthy boundaries, we don’t feel the need to prove our value to others through perfectionism, control and being on top of everything attitude. We spend less time worrying about what others think, we stop people-pleasing and proving our worth through constantly putting others first. We become more centred, we live our values and it’s a path to compassion and empathy for others.

Ideally, we are free to have our own thoughts, feelings, ideas, perceptions, wants and these are being respected. Then we are self-confident. At no time do you feel you need to sacrifice yourself and your needs and wants, for a relationship.

When your boundaries are in place, you have relationships with people who appreciate and respect you, and your needs. It’s not a fight to get respected and acknowledged. When you respect your boundaries, the people in your life will respond differently to you.

The people who don’t respect other people’s boundaries will fight you, sulk, call you selfish, say you’re manipulating them and try to get you back under control.

Most of us weren’t taught this. We arrive at adulthood with no clue how this all works. And when we see people who mastered their boundaries, we are intimidated by them.

There are two categories of Dysfunctional Boundaries:

1.      Over functioning boundaries- these people are very rigid, they get offended easily, reject people quickly, flare up and they tend to be overprotective.

2.       Under functioning boundaries- no boundaries, anyone can get in, people pleasing and making sure others are happy ahead of their happiness.

Boundary issues show up as:

-          Lacking in confidence

-          Lacking in certainty and moving forward in life

-          Checking for approval, hesitating

-          Worrying about making a mistake

-           Obsessing about what others think of you               

There are 5 basic boundaries for us and to respect in others.

1.      Be clear on and live by your personal values

Choose your top 5 values that are most true for you. It can be Achievement, Contribution, Fun, Growth, Kindness, Love, Peace, Respect, Security, Spirituality, Wealth, Wisdom and many more. These are just few examples. Then you can write a few lines about how you’ll know you’re living these values. Live them. Every day. Not just when it’s easy, but especially when it’s challenging to do so.

2.      Be clear on what makes you comfortable when interacting with people.

What are you comfortable with as greetings, saying goodbye and when you’re around other people? Are you comfortable with hugs? With handshakes? With greetings and no touching? Whatever you prefer is ok. Whatever it is, as long as it doesn’t disregard someone else’s boundary, go for it.

You’re going to be with someone, and if they go to hug, and you prefer a handshake, you will put your hand out and not lean towards them. That’s your physical boundary in place for greetings. Yes, some people will not know how to respect other people’s boundaries and will want to disregard your preference. That’s about them. It’s not about you. They can even judge you because of your preference, and it’s still their stuff, not yours. That would be a healthy mental boundary to have in place.

3.      Decide your personal preference when talking about people, issues and experiences.

Don’t write on social media when you’re upset. Ever. There is never an exception, no matter how much you’re justified. Don’t criticize anyone or anything on social media. Feedback when you think something needs to be said, is said to the person, never to the    world.

Don’t gossip, unless it’s to say a wonderful thing about someone. Do speak highly of people when you talk about them and if you can say something kind about someone, do so. You can’t do this enough.

Don’t be outraged at a headline. They are designed to be inflammatory. Read the article, remember most of it is exaggerated, biased, or just wrong and that there are always more than two sides to every story.

Personal stories, that involve you feeling hurt, afraid or upset, are for you to process fully, either alone or with someone you trust with your vulnerability. Sharing it out with the world is too much information.

4.      Your needs around being heard should be met, your feelings respected and having people be interested in you band what you have to say.

Many people don’t know how to have their needs met. And it’s ok to expect people to show interest in you and what you’re doing. It’s ok to take turns who in the relationship is receiving support, and who is giving support. It’s ok to expect healthy give and take in the relationship.

It’s ok to realise most people are not great at asking questions and showing an interest. Most people like to talk about themselves. Know this and seek relationship that go beyond this. It’s ok to ask for your needs to be met.

It’s ok to say to someone, I’m not comfortable with that.

It’s ok to say to someone, I am not doing that.

It’s ok to walk away when someone won’t listen.

It’s ok to stop putting yourself in a situation where your needs are disregarded.

It’s ok to be heard when you’re upset.

It’s not ok to ‘hostage take’ and make it all about yourself.

It’s not ok to expect others to be interested in you and not be interested in them.

It’s not ok to pour out your heart when you’re with someone, and they don’t do the same.

5.      Give yourself permission to feel great about establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, right now, and enjoy living this way.

It’s ok for you to go out with your girlfriends for a fun night out and leave your husband at home with the kids. Really, yes.

It’s ok for you to take up a course. It’s ok for you to change your mind. It’s ok for you to show an interest in things beyond your partner’s interest.

You don’t have to explain yourself. Or seek permission. You can make decisions for yourself without approval from others. Where the decision impacts more than just you, yes- a discussion. Not to seek approval. But to see if you’re both on the same page and navigate from there. And the person you’re speaking with doesn’t have to explain themselves either. This is about reciprocity.

Boundaries versus control

There are boundaries and then there’s control.

I am sure we all know someone who uses anger to control. They probably didn’t have their needs met when they were a child. They only saw poor models when it comes to anger management. Anger is a weapon, it’s a disguise for fear. Fear of abandonment, fear of being ignored, rejected, not being enough.

A relationship of equals doesn’t have one person knowing best for the other person. This is patronising, controlling and demeaning. If a person has placed themselves in a position where they are treated this way, it’s a measure of how much they’re thinking of themselves and their voice.

You developing healthy boundaries is as much about learning what they are for others, as is about ensuring your boundaries are respected.

Here are few questions worth asking:

How are you with respecting the boundaries of others?

Do you know how to recognise their boundaries?

Do you believe your needs are more important than their needs, so you disregard them?

What Establishing Boundaries Will Take

People tend to be comfortable with how things are, and they may not like you making changes. You may have a partner, family members or friends who won’t like you ‘making waves’. They may criticise you, push back on what you say, argue with you and call you selfish.  It’s ok, it’s their stuff. You’re asking that you, your boundaries, and your needs are respected, and this is you not being selfish, or unreasonable. This is you being healthy.

In the process, have support. Don’t do it alone. You can work with a coach, therapist, a support group, a friend or a few friends. These people are there for you to ask you questions, not to give solutions.  You’re going to figure it out, for you.